Leap of Faith

This past week found me enjoying ample free time before college classes had begun. One sunny afternoon I found myself at a local Manhattan attraction: pillsbury crossing. After having shown my friends a cliff in which one could hurdle themselves, we found our group splitting up. The majority of the women in the group and several of the guys decided to head back toward the "water fall", while several of my male companions decided to venture off in search of a rumored tree you could jump out of. I was left caught in between the two groups, unsure of which group i should join. Suddenly I heard the shouts of my male companions and without any further reservations, jumped into the creek and began swimming toward the sound of my friends.

What awaited me around the curve of the creek was a massive tree hanging out over the water. My better judgment told me not to climb the tree, but that masculine urge for adventure and danger got the better of me, and I allowed my friends into talking me into climbing the tree. As i climbed into place to jump, probably 30 feet down to the water, my common sense told me again this was not a good idea, and my fear of heights  began to take effect. But, I couldn't really back out now, not with three guys watching and waiting, so I took a breath, said a prayer, leaped....and....... IT WAS THE MOST AWESOME THING EVER. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins, and I had the sense of being a man's man, of living life on the edge.

You see, I, like all guy, long for that next adventure, that next round of adrenaline coursing through my veins. As author John Eldredge states in his book Wild at Heart, "Adventure, with all its requisite danger and wilderness, is a deeply spiritual longing written into the soul of a man." This is why so many guys, myself included, can feel and experience God out in nature, away from everything else. Eldredge also states that, "In the heart of every man is a desperate desire for a battle to fight, an adventure to live, and a beauty to rescue." However, men have lost their way in these three desires as they have conformed to society's and worldly views. Battles are to be fought for self advancement and personal gain rather than the protection of the innocent and the loyalty to a king. Adventure has been turned into w/e can bring self gratification and pleasure. Rather than fight for the honor and purity of a woman, men have turned women into objects to appease their selfish, immoral desires.

However, Eldredge's description of man's three desires does not mean that a man must live a life pursuing worldly goals and pleasures. Rather, these desires remind us and call us to become the chivalrous knights of long ago. The king with whom we owe our loyalty is God alone, and our battle, that against society and all immorality our world tries to dismiss as permissible. Our adventure is that of life, and discovering the purpose for which we were created; to become the men we were created to be. That same rush of adrenaline comes when we defy the world when it tells us it can't be done; to go against the grain and stand as virtuous and holy men. And most importantly, as men, we must fight to reclaim the dignity of women; to protect them against all that is immoral, even if they must be protected from themselves. Our society assaults our holy sisters with constant negative media: telling them their physical appearance is below par; they aren't good enough, they don't deserve respect from men. Emboding the chivalry of knights long ago, we must seek to protect the innocense of all women, and to reclaim masculinity from the lies it has become.

...Thy Will Be Done...

So, as I mentioned before, I have begun to call this past summer the "Summer of Surrender" in my life. To elaborate more on this subject, I would like to take a look at The Lord's Prayer. I do not remember the exact time this hit me, but I remember it was sometime this summer during Mass as the congregation prayed the Lord's prayer. I, like many Catholics who attended Catholic schooling, can sometimes fall into the trap of just going through the motions. For example, you recite the same prayers every day in the same class at the same time. Sooner or later, you find yourself saying the words, rather than praying them. I think this is what had happened to me for a while with the Lord's prayer, because one day during the mass the words "Thy will be done" suddenly hit me in a profound way.

Now I'm the type of guy who is very task-orientated, so my life is made up of schedules, deadlines, and having everything planned out. Bascially, I am in control of what's happening in my life. Now that type of lifestyle is okay until it conflicts with God's plan for our life. In a talk from Theology of the Body speaker Christopher West, West states that God places commandments in our lives to lead us to happiness, to allow us to discern God's plan for our lives. However, many of us feel the effects of original sin, which is a fundamental distrust of God. We think that God's plan will make us miserable, and seek happiness on our own terms, not God's. I too found that I was willing to accept God's plan for my life as long as it fit along with the plans I had already made, and on my time. I realized that I needed to allow God to open my eyes to His plan for my life on His time, not my own.

This idea was further driven home to me on TEC 124, where the theme for the weekend was Surrender, and the song was "I'm Letting Go" by Francesca Bastelli.

My heart beats, standing on the edge

But my feet have finally left the ledge
Like an acrobat
There’s no turning back

Chorus

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

This is a giant leap of faith
Trusting and trying to embrace
The fear of the unknown
Beyond my comfort zone

Chorus

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

Giving in to your gravity
Knowing You are holding me
I’m not afraid
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
Feels like I’m falling and this is the life for me

Midwest Catholic Family Conference

This weekend I had the opportunity to attend the Midwest Catholic Family Conference in Wichita, KS in order to work an informational booth for the Catholic Household of Chi Rho at Kansas State. The weekend was very successful, but what I want to share is the experience I had on Saturday of the conference.

Being in charge of Recruitment for the Household of Chi Rho, I arrived early in the morning (7 am) to set up the booth. I pretty much spent the majority of the day running the booth, although I did sneak out to a few of the talks as well. I found myself thinking a lot on my vocational discernment with Fr. Simone (director of vocations) and all the seminarians there. Both talks I went to I found myself sitting alone on the far side of the room as I had just had time to sneak in from my booth right before the talk begin. I do not know why, but I was feeling the need to be with some of my friends as the discernment process has been weighing heavy on me throughout this summer. I said a quick prayer to God, asking that he strengthen me through this time, and during both talks I had friends come to the talk late and happen to venture to the far side of the room to sit with me, though when they entered they did not know I was there. Just there presence during the talks seemed to bring me some peace.

When dinner time arrived, I volunteered to stay behind to watch the electronics at our booth while the guys helping me went to find something to eat w/ their families, assuring them that if they got back in time I'd go grab a bite to eat. Truth be told I was starving myself as I had not eaten lunch that day. After a while I began to debate whether I should just go get something to eat...surely the computer and stuff would be alright. But then, all of a sudden, I felt this sudden urge to go to adoration, so I decided i would just offer my hunger as sacrifice. I spent about 30 minutes in adoration, praying a rosary and just having a conversation with God. I returned to my booth to wait for the rest of the guys to return. Less than 5 minutes had passed when a Carmelite nun approached the booth and asked me if I was going to eat. I didn't know who she knew I hadn't eaten since I'd been gone for a good 30 minutes. I told her that I would go grab something to eat if the other guys got back shortly. She looked at her watch, and apparantly deciding that i wasn't going to have time, offered me an extra meal ticket she had.

Those two simple acts that I had received from others that day really bolstered my resolve in totally surrendering to our Lord and his plans for my life. It seemed the perfect cap for a summer I have begun to label as the Summer of Surrender.

introduction

Dear Brothers and Sisters:
I have decided to give blogging a try to start getting down some of the many thoughts that have been coursing through my mind of late as well as to assist myself in discerning my vocation. To start things out I would like to share my latest spiritual journey that began about 2 years ago.

The journey begins the summer before my senior year. I was very involved in my high school, and had pretty high expectations for myself. I was on the soccer team, basketball team, and involved in numerous clubs: National Honor Society, Robotics, Electrorally, Technology Student Association, StuCo, and a couple others, and I was looking forward and preparing to accomplish some big feats my senior year. A couple of weeks before the school year began, I was approached by my youth group leader and asked to serve as the Region 5 rep for our parish. The position was very interesting to me, but fearing I was already too busy to properly meet all of the commitments for the activities I was involved in; so I politely declined the offer.

So the school year began and soon I forgot about the offer as I quickly emerged myself in my activities. Now it just so happens that for my senior schedule, instead of having Civics first semester like the majority of my friends, I had American Studies with none other than Rick Langerot, the Region 5 sponsor. One day about three weeks into the semester I walked into his class to find a sheet of paper on my desk. As I reached over to pick it up, I heard the booming voice of Rick Langerot behind me, "There's a Region 5 meeting this weekend at my house, don't be late!" Well there was no getting out of this one I thought, Langerot is one stubborn guy, let me tell you. The experience left me feeling like I had just been hit upside the head by a spiritual 2 by 4. Although my reasoning for declining the offer was acceptable, I had known that God had been calling me to hold this position, and I had passed up on the offer to seek my goals.

As the year began to progress, I found that I indeed had enough time to meet all of my commitments, and found myself looking forward to Region 5 meetings and events such as Adopt a Family, Pro-Life nights, and even a lock-in at our sponsors house. Through these events I began making new friends, and ones that had a lot better influence on my life than those at my high school.  It was some of these friends that convinced me to go on my first Teens Encounter Christ retreat. The experience rocked me. It was the first time I had really been exposed to the practice of Adoration, and I quickly fell in love with the devotion. I also continued to build friendships with some very positive role models in my life. At the conclusion of the weekend I had several people approach me, including my table leader, and express their belief that they thought I would make a great priest. I thanked them, but quickly dismissed their opinions because it didn't fit into the plan I had for my own life.

I finished up the school year, having accomplished many of the goals I had set out to achieve that year. However, these were dulled by these new experiences that were being thrown into my life. Through friends I had made in Region 5, I was also convinced to attend the Steubenville of the Rockies conference as well as to return and serve on a TEC retreat. Once again, Adoration at both events blew me out of the water, and both events I was again approached by friends to tell me they thought I would be a good candidate for the priesthood. This time I began to mull this thought over and decided that while I wasn't sure about the whole seminary thing, I definitely needed to ask God what He wanted me to do with my life. So during the winter break of my freshmen year at Kansas State University, I found myself attending a Quo Vadis retreat, a retreat intended for men discerning the priesthood. The weekend was just what I needed, but I left still unsure of where God was calling me.